Thursday, June 25, 2009


As children, we know the most effective way to get our way is to cause a scene.  You cry as an infant, hoping to be fed or changed; you throw a tantrum as a toddler, hoping to get a toy.  

As I face adulthood, in order to survive, I have learned to subvert my expectations and repress frustration when my expectations are not met.  I have told myself repeatedly that when I expect little of someone, there is limited opportunities for them to fail you.  I also believe that the individuals who are so meaningful in my life that are the ones who satisfy me in ways beyond anything I could have imagined.  

However, despite all my rationale to prepare for any disappointments, some have just devastated me by not fulfilling the expectations I did not know existed.  Recently my sense of estrangement from my mother has been so physically, spiritually, and emotionally isolating.  I have reverted to being a child, but I feel as though I have not learned yet how to scream.  I am fundamentally torn between my responsibility to honor her and my deep desire to cower in pain, blocking her away.  I continue to talk to her in complete pain.  

There is something innocent and pure in the expression of pain, frustration, and fear.  Is it possible to be in a group and express these emotions fully, and conversely could you ever truly be in a group and not express such emotions?  What is the benefit of emotions, and can it truly add to a group experience?