Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Flashes of an alternate life...

Every now and then I remember I could be fighting cancer right now, but no -- I have the privilege of worrying about the LSATs and complaining about work.

A month ago, everything changed. No, I did not have cancer, but for a month I thought I might. Everyday, I struggle with the guilt of remembering it; after all - I don't have cancer. I'm not angry at the reality check. I'm not angry at the cancer scare.

I'm angry at all that I have. I'm angry at myself for not living a full life. I'm angry at the things that preoccupy my life that have little value. I'm angry at the few "friends", who clearly are not good people. Awful people. I'm angry at the job that has no worth. I'm angry at my mediocre life. I'm angry that I'm not living a life worth living. I'm angry at my church that dwells on insignificant things, worldly things. I'm angry that nothing has changed since the when "everything changed", supposedly.

Today, nothing has changed. I want to commit to valuing my life for all its worth. Value the incredible people I do have in my life. Count my blessings and praise God for everything I have. Cry tears of joy for an incredible family, friends who are soul mates, a job that pays the bills when I'm in grad school, a church that allows me to speak, and all the other things that I don't even know that I have.

How can "nothing" changing have such a powerful impact on someone, yet have no impact at all? Is my life stalling?